Sunday, October 19, 2008

Why pro baseball kinda bugs the crap out of me...

The remote and my tv as seen from nap level.

I have always been an athlete. As a child I played many sports including the traditional soccer, basketball and of course baseball. Other sports have interested me too including golf, hockey, tennis and of course cycling. And while I admire the professional players I have grown to despise or grow bored with the professional game. Is it the ridiculous salaries? Perhaps. The over analyzing of chatty commentators? Yep. Or maybe it's the new super-parks that have chain restaurants and $10 beers. I definitely know that fake grass and lame rally caps and mohawks are on my shit list. I am especially annoyed by the fair-weather Hollywood-types who all the sudden become fans of the LA Dodgers. Watch any game of their playoff battle and you will find some hipster chick wearing big sunglasses sitting in the rich seats fumbling with her Blackberry not aware of what a two-seamed fastball is or that a foul ball counts as a strike. She's there because she got the tickets for free from some super-agent. All of this annoys the hell out of me.

A quantitative content analysis of any Red Sox-Rays playoff game of the number of "loogies" would likely show an average of 15-100 spits per inning... All captured on film. I kept wondering why they always spit and here's what I have concluded. First, baseball players are just spitters. The game is on "grass" so it allows for it. Kobe's not spitting on hardwood, or Federer on clay. Second, this game is slow. Most of the spitting comes at moments when there's nothing to do. Every bench player sits for 3-5 hours with nothing to do but drink, chew, munch on sunflower seeds or all 3. With this habit comes spit. It has to go somewhere! Finally, maybe it's cool to spit. We men are freaks as you ladies know. Essentially we are dogs, cavemen at best and baseball players are closest to cavemen of all sportsmen. They scratch, tug, don't shave, chew, make a mess of the dugout, and ultimately spit. Unlike cavemen, they make obscene amounts of money. The random guy on the bench who just hit the top of the dog pile (another caveman characteristic along with the high-5) makes middle 6-figures. Way more than Joe the F-ing Plumber!

I don't watch professional sports of any kind such as baseball or the others until the playoffs. Today I watched my first full game in it's entirety. I can't remember the last time I have done this, but it wasn't a "clean" watch, quite the contrary. Here's my stats of the 9 innings:
- NAPS (3. Most were about 10 minutes each)
- BEER (3/4. Hefeweizen with a splash of white grape juice. Very un-caveman-like indeed)
- VERBAL ASSAULTS AT THE TV (Countless. Commentators bug the shit out of me and I am convinced that hey are afraid of silence)
- PAUSES (Thank God for the DVR. Allowed me time to stretch the legs and spit)

I was hoping that it would end with the Dodgers and Redsox in the World Series, but instead it's the Phillies and Rays. Nothing against the 2 teams but I am a true ballpark person. There's no 2 better fields than Fenway Park and Dodger Stadium. How great would that have been to see more Pat Sajak and Ryan Secrest at Chavez Ravine and Joe the Plumber-likes in Fenway. What a dichotomy. True blue collar versus Hollywood. Now we are left with 2 great young teams with great athletes. Wonder if the television ratings will be any good? How much is a large orange juice at Tropicana Field? Will I watch? If I am really, stinkin' bored.